It's been a couple of months since I've blogged. I have been wanting to share an edited excerpt of a journal entry I wrote on the plane on the way to Peru this September. I wrote it with the jitters of a bride-to-be, yet also as an individual reflecting on the ageless question of the "problem of pain" and the fear of it.
"I don't even have words to describe. Two and a half hours until my whole world, my whole life, my whole future changes. I have begun a story with an uncertain ending.
I just watched a powerful movie called the "Shawshank Redemption" which addressed my deepest fear - What if bad things, horrible, unspeakable, life-destroying things happen to good or innocent or God-serving people for no reason? In the video it did - over and over and over. Guess what? In life it does too - the Holocaust and the horrific stories we hear about people like Corrie ten Boom and Eli Weisel, the mistreatment of the Native Americans when our country was first settled, the slavery and social injustices endured by African Americans later on, and a million individual stories of pain, injustice and loss that have occurred in the past and still occur every day.
What I realized from watching this film is that in every situation I have the choice to "start living or start dying," as stated by Andy Dufresne, the movie's main character. This man was falsely convicted of the murder of his wife and unjustly imprisoned for over 20 years. In the midst of a seemingly hopeless situation, Andy started a library for the inmates, slowly became the overseer of the entire prison's finances, and when the exact moment was right found his way to freedom. Year after year passed while this man was forced to live behind bars, with an uncertain future ahead of him. Silently and stoically chose to live and chose to hope.
I am afraid. I am afraid of loosing my luggage, with my gifts for my soon-to-be Peruvian in-laws. Afraid of Max's visa being denied. Afraid of not earning enough money to pay the rent. Afraid of failure at work and in relationships. I am afraid of so many things... Yes, I have lived with fear. I suppose we all have. But now I have begun to ask myself, today will I begin living or begin dying? Hope or despair, life or death. My choice today can't change what
has happened, but it could make a world of a difference on what
does happen in the future. Choosing to be afraid, to let fear, worry, and "what-ifs" clench at my heart is like choosing to walk around with death growing inside of me. Life is uncertain, but perhaps my response doesn't need to be."
1 Peter 1:3, 4
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a
living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you..."
John 10:10
"The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have
life, and that they may have it more
abundantly."
